I hate to say this but it’s gotten to the point where I’m like, you know no matter what shit happens, I don’t care. and it’s not because I have so much trust in Him but because it feels like I don’t care anymore if shit wants to happen. No matter how badly I want something, it’s always like- no, you can’t have anything you want. and now if He wants to give this to me for a brief moment and then snatch it away just while I’m just starting to learn how to live again. seriously, whatever. but that’s life, right?

oh, i want this so badly. please let it be.

Daddy.

He used to hold my hand every night while he lay beside me and waited for me to fall asleep. We used to all sleep over in my parent’s room over the weekend and I remember reaching up from my mattress on the floor to hold his hand. I always slept on Daddy’s side. He was everything to me; invincible. He used to cover my ears with his big hands in the cinema when it got too loud. He used to bring special gifts for me and he always protected me when I was scared. I knew everything would be alright if he was around. I always knew we had something special. My first memory is of me sitting on mom’s car outside our house and I was talking to him, I asked him how old I was and he replied, “3+”. He always gave me the best and never tried to save when it came to me. When I got sick, he made sure I had the best doctors and spent thousands a night on a large room to myself in the hospital just so I was comfortable. I always knew he loved me special.

But then I grew up. I know he pushes me only because he wants me to succeed so badly. I love him because  he could have been selfish like other dads and made me stay behind. You know what they say, ‘if you love something, let it go.’

to be able to say that i love where i’m at

“For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.

And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD.” Psalm 27:5-6

I am so, so scared that nothing will come out of this. MY FUTURE IS ON YOUR HANDS.

always wishing i was somewhere else

i REALLY wish this life of mine had a ‘start over’ button right now. God, i can’t wait to leave. 8 weeks please pass quickly, i am going mad.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;

never wanted something so badly; never fought for something so hard.

3 more months, i can do thisssss!!!!

feel so fucking trapped